


Negasonic Teenage Roadtrip

by gumboy



Category: Deadpool (2016), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-07-11 15:16:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7057753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gumboy/pseuds/gumboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her day began with Douchepool showing up in an ice cream truck and demanding a road trip before his sequel starts.</p><p>She's totally going to regret this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

"Oh Negasonic Teenage Waaaaaaaaarheeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaad!"

Negasonic groaned and pulled her comforter over her head. It was Saturday and it was the one day Colossus let her sleep in. And the last thing she needed was some red suited maniac calling out to her from the driveway.

"C'mon Negasonic! Let's get that moody ass of yours out of bed!"

She groaned and sat up in bed to look out the window to see Deadpool sitting on top of a Mister Softee Ice Cream Truck. She had a couple of options at this point. She could crawl back into bed and hope he'd get the crap beaten out of him by the other X-men or she could open the window and find out what he was trying to do.

Due to her morbid curiousity, she chose opening the window. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Killing time before the sequel," Deadpool quipped as he swung his legs back in forth in a childish manner. "Come on down! I got jimmies and chocolate syrup!"

In response Negasonic just rolled her eyes. 

"C'mon! It's me and ice cream! What could go wrong?"

 _"A lot"_ Negasonic thought to her self. Despite knowing this was probably an insane idea, she pulled on her uniform and her usual monochromatic outfit on top and headed downstairs after grabbing her phone and charger.

"Nice outfit. Did Hot Topic have to restock all the black clothing when you finished shopping?" he quipped as she exited the school.

She let the comment slide. Clearly he was here for a reason. Surely a demented reason, but a reason nonetheless. "What do you want?"

He vaulted off the truck, somersaulted in mid-air and landed on his feet. "Road trip!" he shouted excitedly, throwing his arms wide open.

Ugh. "Seriously?" she said flatly. "I'm going back to bed."

"Wait. Wait. Wait!" he said scurrying to get in front of her. "It'll be non-stop fun and all the ice cream you can eat. Plus probably some gunfire and minor explosions."

Negasonic let out an exasperated huff of a sigh. "Don't you have a girlfriend you should be screwing?" she asked.

"Yeah, but her agent is renegotiating her contract and trying to get merchandising points. Plus now that Castle is cancelled someone will probably start campaigning for a Firefly sequel on Netflix."

Negasonic just let that crazy statement hang in the air and address it with a long sullen silence.

"What have you got to do today anyway? Polishing Colossus' biceps? Pick mites out of Beast's fur? Listen to Mr. Clean drone on and on about mutant-human relations until the mansion inevitably blows up? Sorry to tell you: they won't show up today until we get a bigger budget."

Fuck it. "Fine,' she said with a huff and headed to the ice cream truck. "What's the matter? Couldn't get a cab?"

"Dopinder? Yeah. He's doing time for keeping his cousin in the trunk of his taxi. I had to improvise," Deadpool said climbing into the cab of the truck. "By the way, don't eat the chocolate softee."

Negasonic gave him a wary look as she buckled in. "Why?"

"Spoiler alert. It's not chocolate and has nuts in it."

Ew. "I'm so going to regret this."

"Too late!" he cried out cheerfully as he started the truck and driving way too fast down the X-mansion driveway; REO Speedwagon blaring from the stereo.

Negasonic sighed and pulled out her phone to access her instagram account. She took a picture of Wade and posted it with the hashtags "#Douchepool #Roadtrip #Reallybadlifechoices."

She was totally regretting this.


	2. Chapter 2

Negasonic took a snapshot of the inside of the ice cream truck as it sped along down the road. The inside was your typical ice cream truck. Filled with lots of automatic rifles, handguns, swords, knives, a stuffed unicorn and a pair of crocs.

What added to the surrealism was that the ice cream truck was playing a cheery muzak tune from the 80s called “Tempted” by Squeeze while Deadpool sang along at the top of his voice.

“Where are we going?” She asked after letting out a heavy sigh. The question was really not to seek an answer but to get him to shut up.

“We got a mission Negasonic Teenage Hedgehog,” Wade quipped. “One straight out of the ending after the trailer.”

Negasonic gave Deadpool a long sullen look before answering. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Okay. So the end of the movie had a whole blood sample thing from your other favorite Canuck from up North. You know the guy. Metal claws. Grumpy demeanor which hides a heart of gold and a lovely singing voice?”

“Wolverine sings?”

“Like an angel,” Deadpool replied with a dreamy expression on his… mask.

“What’s that got to do with us?”

“Nothing with you, Sinead. It’s me. That blood sample? It’s what gave me all these lovely wrinkles that can't be cured with retin-a,” Wade said his voice turning serious. “Those fuckers are still out there making little soldiers with super powers. Fucking up Francis didn’t stop it. So I am.”

Negasonic pursed her lips in thought. So this wasn’t some crazy little jaunt with an insane fucked up person. Deadpool was almost acting like a-

“Nope! No fucking way! I’m not a hero.”

“Who the fuck are you talking to?” Negasonic asked in confusion.

“Shhh. The narration can hear us,” he replied in his best stage-whisper.

Negasonic decided that the best thing to do was to ignore the comment and move on. It was less scary to ask. “So we’re going after the guys who did this to you?”

“Francis and your former girlfriend Angel were just the low men on that fucked up totem pole. I’m going to burn that native American metaphor to the fucking ground.”

“Oooookay,” Negasonic said picking up her phone to send out another instagram pic. “So where’s the first stop?”

“Sister Margaret’s. I need to talk to a friend.”

“We’re going to church?”

Deadpool let out a laugh. “No. I need to collect a gold card.”

Negasonic sighed, took a photo and posted it with the hashtag #YeahHesEffingInsane


	3. Chapter 3

Sister Margaret's was not what Negasonic was expecting. First: It was a bar. Second: It was probably the only place on Earth that matched Mos Eisley as a hive of scum and villainy. Negasonic was not impressed.

"Ooo. Nice Star Wars reference."

Though Deadpool seemed to like the narration.

"What is this place? An elephant graveyard for biker gangs?" She snarked as she walked in. 

Deadpool was too happy to notice the snark. "Weasel! One blow job if you please! No. Wait! Blow jobs for everyone!"

One particular gristly patron scoffed at the order. "No one wants their junk in your mouth, Wade."

"Ha-Ha-Ha! Fake laugh!" Deadpool replied cheerfully and then promptly smashed the patron's face against the table. "No one gives a shit what you think, Floyd."

The entire bar erupted into guffaws as Negasonic rolled her eyes and took a seat at the bar.

"Aren't you a little young to be here?" the bartender asked.

"Aren't you a little stupid to be working here?" Negasonic retorted.

The bartender opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind at the last moment and shrugged. "Yeah. That's fair. What are you drinking?"

Negasonic shrugged. "Beer."

"Nuh-uh-uh!" Deadpool said as he plopped down on the bar stool next to Negasonic. "No underage drinking for you little girl. I don't want Colossus getting his chrome lined tighty whities in a bunch. Give her a Shirley Temple. With a giant umbrella"

"You're hanging out with Wade?" Weasel asked with a smirk as he made the drink. "You must be stupider than me."

Negasonic shrugged in response. He was getting no argument from her.

"Weasel! Allow me to introduce X-man trainee Negasonic Teenage Warhead," Deadpool said with an elaborate arm gesture. "Negasonic? I give you Weasel."

The man named Weasel gave Negasonic a blank look. "Seriously? That's your name?"

"Like Weasel is any better?" she retorted.

"It's at least accurate in both counts," Deadpool quipped. "Do you have what I need?"

"Yeah," Weasel said reaching behind the bar and tossing a large envelope in front of Deadpool. "I put a line out on the wire. There's been stories of recruitment now happening North of the border."

"Did you hear that," Deadpool said tapping Negasonic on the shoulder. "I bet we can go to Vancouver and pretend it's New York City again."

"You make no fucking sense,' Negasonic said with an eyeroll.

"I get that," Wade replied cheerfully. "Hey, Weez. I don't suppose there's a gold card around where I can pick up a little gas money for Mr. Softee?"

"As a matter of fact we got a repeat offender," Weasel replied as he flipped a card onto the envelope.

Deadpool almost squealed in delight. "Ooooooooh. Someone's been a bad boy and didn't listen. He's definitely going to get a hard time from me now."

He then leaned over to whisper in Negasonic's ear: "Pun intended."

Ew. Negasonic's face said it all. Revulsion. Nobody needed to think of Deadpool being hard for anything.

"Let's go Negasonic!" he said skipping to the door and pulling his cellphone and hitting speed dial. "Hello? Feige's Pizza? I need a pineapple and black olive pizza delivered and this time you better burn the fucking crust."

Negasonic sighed and followed Deadpool out of Sister Margaret's, tweeting about insane pizza toppings ordered by an insane man.


	4. Chapter 4

"Seriously?"

It had been a long day in the car. And it was turning into a long evening. And now there was a mariachi band blaring away behind her and she was not happy.

Or at least less happier than usual.

"What is it Negasonic Teenage Shavedhead? Something got you down?"

She scowled.

"Was it the beating up of Jeremy? He really deserved it you know."

She continued to scowl.

"Or was it the Captain and Tennille marathon in Mr. Softee?"

The scowl got even scowlier.

"I thought you liked my rendition of Muskrat Love!"

"Four hours!" Negasonic shouted gathering some looks from the other half-drunk patrons of Chi-Chi's.

"Four hours of what?"

"Four hours of constant talk of chimichangas! Four. Hours," she said crossing her arms and seething.

Deadpool shrugged and tilted his head in confusion. "And? I like chimichangas."

Negasonic's eyes began to glow. "You. Ordered. The enchilada platter."

"Ooooooooh. I did? Think it's too late to change my order?"

Later, news reports would provide varied details about the incident; specifically dwelling on how a girl eating tacos caught on fire and blew her dinner partner through a wall.

Film at 11.


	5. Chapter 5

Negasonic was feeling exceptionally crabby this morning. After the event of Chi-Chi's she had fallen asleep in Mr. Softee only to wake up in Canada and Deadpool attempting to draw dicks on her face while she was asleep.

Which is why the rear doors to Mr. Softee were now blown off.

"Where are we?" she grumbled/asked.

"Canada. Weren't you paying attention to the narration?"

Negasonic decided to respond to his comment with a glare.

"Hey. Don't give me that look. Honestly, If it wasn't fan-fic I'd prefer the yellow boxes."

" _Where_ in Canada are we?" she asked with a touch of edge to her voice.

"Outside a super-secret government/black ops group compound," Deadpool replied cheerfully. "Which judging by my tingling Deadpool sense is probably chock full of nastiness."

Negasonic rolled her eyes. "Deadpool sense?"

"It's tingling!" Deadpool insisted only to pause and think about it. "Or it could be my groin muscle regrowing since you know... you blew me up yesterday!"

"You deserved it," Negasonic responded with a shrug. "So how do we get in?

"Well I was thinking firecracker popsicles and lots of ammunition."

Negasonic again responded with deathly glare.

"What? Who doesn't like a red white and blue popsicle?"

"Canadian government agents," Negasonic deadpanned.

"Ooo. Good point. I wonder if there are RMCP ice cream sandwiches," Deadpool said starting to rummage through the chest freezer while Negasonic groaned and rubbed her temples.

This was not going to end well. Not at all.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a surreal sight for the guards stationed at the entrance to the Weapon X facility.

On any given day they wouldn't even _see_ a car let alone a Mr. Softee Ice Cream truck slowly driving up the road to the compound.

"I think someone is seriously lost," the one guard said to the other.

The radio crackled and soon began broadcasting a message. "Bravo team. You have eyes on this?"

The second guard sighed and picked up the mic. "Roger that."

There was a brief pause before the radio came up again. "Is that seriously a Mr. Softee truck?"

"Why? You want some?" The first guard replied with a laugh.

"No." This time the voice over the radio was more firm. "Turn them around and get them the fuck out of here."

"Roger."

Both guards sighed as the ice cream truck made its oh-so-slowly way up the road, the familiar song finally being heard.

"It wouldn't kill us to get a chocolate dip first, would it?"

The second guard snorted in amusement.

Mr. Softee finally game to a stop, turning to the side in order to show off it's menu to the guard's outpost. Both guards nodded each other before cocking their rifles and stepping outside to address the truck.

"This is private property!" the first yelled as he and his partner aimed their rifles at the truck. "Turn around and leave."

In response the food truck window slowly opened up to reveal a man dressed in a food service uniform complete with a paper hat. "Hi Kids! Who wants a chocolate softee?"

Now if this was a normal ice cream truck, the guards probably wouldn't have been suspicious. In this particular case, Wade had put on the food service uniform and paper hat over his typical red and black spandex outfit. So really... he wasn't fooling anyone.

"Get your hands up!"

Deadpool's arms shot straight up into the air. "Whoa! Hold on there kids! I've got plenty of ice cream for everyone! No reason to go all Slim Shady here!"

"Don't move a muscle!"

Deadpool sighed and dropped his arms. "What gave it away? Was it the red suit? Fuck! Should have gone with the Santa Claus suit. Damn it!"

"Come out of the truck! Heads above your head!"

"Wellllll, Okay!" Deadpool happily putting his hands on his head and trying to get out of the truck by climbing out through the food service window without using his arms. "See, there's a reason why I wear red. It's because... wait. None of you are wearing brown pants. Damn it! I love that joke!"

Deadpool fell out of the truck onto the ground with a thud and struggled to get up to his feet without using his hands. "Don't you fucking hate it when you can't use a decent punchline?"

"Alpha base? This is Bravo team. We got a situation out here."

"Roger that Bravo team. We're sending a team."

Deadpool let out a gasp of excitement as he slowly began scooting toward the side of the van. "Are the Sacramento Monarchs here?! Don't tease me, boys. I'm a big fan of them."

"Don't move!" The second guard shouted out. 

"Is it all right if I stand right here? I don't want to get in the way."

Both guards paused in the middle of their trite and traditional responses to share a look with each other.

"Get in the way of what?"

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead," Deadpool replied cheerfully.

"Negasonic Teenage what?"

A bright light flashed, a boom quickly followed and Mr. Softee flew across the road; smooshing the two guards against the wall.

"Warhead," Deadpool replied. "She's a mutant who blows things... Oh. You're all squished. So I'm just talking to myself. Nevermind."

Negasonic sighed as she pulled off her smoking coat and stood next to Deadpool. "Are we done now?"

"Just getting started," Deadpool said pulling out his automatic revolvers. "Would you mind blowing a giant hole in the wall over there so we can get into the top secret military compound?"

"Whatever," was her reply as her eyes began to glow. She started running toward the wall, a giant ball of energy surrounding her as she headed to the wall of the Weapon X complex.

"Oooooh. She's going to make her mother proud someday," Deadpool said wistfully as he cocked his guns and waited for the wall to explode into tiny bits. "You know. If Mother's liek their daughters blowing up walls."

Negasonic poked her head around the corner of the wall she just exploded. "Can we get on with this?"

"Fine. Fine. Keep your panties on," Deadpool said with a sigh. "You know back in my day we took our time invading top secret military installations."

"If you're going to start droning on about the 90s I'm fucking out of here," Negansonic snarked back.

"HEY! WE HAD GIANT POUCHES ON OUR BELTS AND REALLY TINY ANKLES!" Deadpool shouted back like a hurt insulted teenager. "DON'T MOCK THE LIEFELD YEARS! WE HAD OUR TIME AND PLACE!"

Negasonic had no response for that. So instead she just gave Deadpool a sullen silence and a glare.

"We good? Great! Let's go Negasonic The Teenage Hedgehog!" Deadpool cried out as if trying to rally the troops. Or in this case: Troop. "Come to me my x-man! X-girl. X-woman?"

"I hate you."

"I'm okay with that."


	7. Chapter 7

"Oops."

Negasonic turned and gave Deadpool a long hard glare. "What?"

"I don't supposed you brought my ammo bag."

Alarms were sounding and the sound of boots could be heard. And Negasonic was reaching her limit. "Are you fucking kidding me!" She shouted as her eyes began to glow.

"Nononono," Deadpool said pushing her back to the entrance hole. "Not a time for teenage drama. You go get the bag. I'll handle the stormtrooper wannabees."

"You'll be dead," Negasonic said with an eyeroll.

"Spoiler alert. I heal," Deadpool snarked back and pushed her through the hole. "Go get the ammo bag!"

"How are you going to fight off an entire black ops division of troops?!" Negasonic shouted back.

"Maxiumum effort!" Deadpool replied as he pulled out his swords.

"He is a total fucking moron," Negasonic muttered to herself as she ran back to Mr. Softee and pulled out the giant Hello Kitty back pack. 

Gunfire had already erupted before she turned around and by the time she had ran back to the giant hole in the wall the gunfire had stopped. In fact there was no one in the hallway at all. Okay, the hallway was littered with bodies of a half dozen soldiers but since they were probably dead, Negasonic didn't give them much thought.

"If he can take these guys out, why does he need an ammo bag?"

Okay. She gave it some thought.

"Douchepool?" she called out quietly as she made her way down the tunnel. Not hearing a response she cautiously followed a trail of either dead or unconscious bodies until she reached a security station where Deadpool was sitting and watching a monitor intently.

"Hey. Deadpool. What gives?"

"Shhhh!" Deadpool replied in a stage whisper. "It's starting."

"What is?"

Deadpool pointed to the monitor. "They had it on right before I put my thumbs in their eyesockets," he said cheerfully.

Negasonic groaned and rolled her eyes. "Seriously? You're watching the fucking Golden Girls?"

Deadpool ignored her and gently caressed the screen. "There she is... An angel of God. My glorious Bea Arthur."

"Ew." Negasonic shuddered in disgust. Not that Bea Arthur was gross. Just that Wade had a weird thing for her. _That_ was gross. "Shouldn't we be... oh, I don't know, fighting bad guys?"

"Ooo. The sarcasm is strong in this one," Deadpool replied cheerfully. "Well the baddies are a priority but something else just popped up which may make this entire mission go sideways."

"What's that?"

Deadpool flipped a switch and the monitors flickered from Blanche and Dorothy to images of people in cells. Lots of people in cells. And not exactly just _any_ type of people but some had some weird looking deformities which probably made them...

"Mutants," Negasonic said quietly.

"Welcome to Neverland," Deadpool said grimly. "And certainly not the one in the song they won't stop playing."

"What are they doing to them?" Negasonic asked as she stepped closer to the monitors.

"Nothing good," he replied. "Which means we need to do two things. One: Rescue these slobs."

"And two?"

"Never breathe a word I did this for free."


	8. Chapter 8

It only took another couple of moments for Negasonic realize there was a problem.

"Something's wrong."

She turned to look at Deadpool who was on his cell phone. "What are you doing?"

"Calling Al to set my Tivo. I think this is the episode of Golden Girls where George Clooney is a drug dealer. Classic episode."

Negasonic responded to that with a scowl.

"What? Don't give me that look. It's the same one Sinead had right before she tore up that picture of the pope!"

"Don't you think it's weird that we're not being overrun by security troops right now?" Negasonic said after biting back a sarcastic response. "Look at the monitors."

Deadpool looked at the monitors which had an image of both Negasonic and Deadpool staring at the monitors. Deadpool looked up and then waved at the camera. "What? It's us."

Negasonic pointed at the wall. "The security sections don't match."

Deadpool looked up at the wall which had a giant "E3" painted on the wall. He looked back at the monitor which showed the same image of them except the identifier on the wall said "G4". Deadpool's head flipped back and forth multiple times until he stopped with a gasp. "ARE WE IN THE MATRIX?!" he shouted.

Words began to scroll by on the screen. _Did you find Vanessa?_

"WE ARE IN THE MATRIX!" Wade shouted in a fan-gasm manner. "Where's Keanu? He and I need to have words about Johnny Mnemonic. I want the overdue fees from Blockbuster back for that piece of shit."

"We are _not_ in the Matrix," Negasonic declared in a flat/disgusted tone.

"Explain that!" Deadpool said pointing at the screen. "C'mon! Let's go find the red and blue pills."

Negasonic said nothing and pointed at the screen. Wade turned around to see additional words on the screen.

_Did you give Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven?_

Deadpool groaned and his head fell a bit in despair. "Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck shit."

"What is it?"

Deadpool picked up his Hello Kitty ammo back and started marching away from the security station. "Mission's changed. It's personal now."

Negasonic watched Deadpool walk away, her arms crossed and her face covered in a doubtful expression. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"Nope!"

Negasonic sighed. "Any clue at all what you're doing?"

"Nope!"

She sighed agains and started following the asshole in the red suit. "We are so fucked," she muttered.

"Yep!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Hey Douchepool! The holding area is that way!" The exasperation in her voice was _very_ apparent. That didn't stop Deadpool from frolicking down the hallway, merrily shooting the odd security guard who got in his way.

"Not going to the holding area!" He called out. "I'm going..."

He stopped at the intersection and spent at least five seconds looking down each hallway in rapid succession before pointing down the hallway on the right. "This way!"

Negasonic rolled her eyes in disgust. "Look. There are mutants out there. _Imprisoned_ through no choice of their own."

"Yes but none of them spent time strapped to a bed with me getting tortured on a daily basis, Negasonic Teenage Potatohead," Deadpool said pausing as they reached another hallway intersection.

"So you're going to risk the lives of hundreds of mutants for someone you were tied in bed with?" she grumbled/asked.

"Hey! First of all? Different beds. Second! Have you not seen Search for Spock? Not the Chris Pine loves Zachary Quinto trilogy. I'm talking Old School trek where he's Nimoy and I'm Shatner and Mr. Softee is the USS Enterprise."

Negasonic let the crazy-talk wash over her like a wave. Her response was a raised eyebrow.

"I don't believe it! You haven't seen the one where Merrit Butrick is Kirk's son in all his male-perm-hair glory?! What are they teaching you at this school for supposed gift youngsters?!"

Yep. More crazy stupid talk. Her eyebrow went up another notch as Deadpool smacked himself in the head in realization. 

"Of Course! Duh. Look who's leading your group. You must be on a steady diet of TNG."

Okay. Enough with the crazy. "What the hell are you talking about?!" she shouted.

"Listen buzzcut," he growled back. "If it was your friend with the tin coated balls or Professor Hair Club for Men, you'd be doing the same thing I'm doing."

"Running around and picking hallways at random?" she snarked back.

"Not at random. See?"

He pointed up at security camera where power on light kept shifting on and off in a regular pattern.

"Oh."

"Morse code. W-A-D-E on repeat. What? Did you think I was just being fucking crazy and running around shooting people like a maniac?"

She didn't respond. Just raised the eyebrow again.

"Fair enough," he said with a sigh before casually pulling out his revolver and shooting a guard who just turned the corner. "It's a fine line sometimes. Come along Negasonic! Time for a rescue."

She let out a sigh and followed the crazy man in red down the hallway. "I'm so getting detention for this."


	10. Chapter 10

"Cunningham?"

It had only been ten minutes of Negasonic and Deadpool wandering through the Weapon X facility trying to find whatever it was Deadpool was looking for. Negasonic really didn't do much other than look at her phone and tweet about Deadpool being stupid and Deadpool making weird references she had no understanding of and didn't care about.

Oh, and occasionally Deadpool would stab a security guy with a sword. 

Negasonic didn't look up until Deadpool whispered that name. What she saw made her stomach churn.

On the wall was a man, or rather something that was the remaining parts of a man. Where limbs should have been were only wires and cables. Where there should have been eyes was something that looked like a mix of Google glass and a video monitor.

"Hey Wade. Long time," the figure rasped back.

Deadpool walked up and put his hand on the man's shoulder. "What happened? Last I saw you was in the BBQ I started."

The man cracked a small smile. "The fire triggered my mutation."

"Fuuuuuck," Deadpool groaned.

"They pulled me out and hooked me up here," he continued. "Turns out I'm the best computer processor there is."

"Want me to slap an Intel inside sticker on your ass?" Deadpool quipped.

They both let out weak laughs followed by a weak sigh.

"I've done my best to cover your tracks but they'll be on to me soon," he stated.

Deadpool nodded in understanding. "What am I up against?"

"Three people you need to worry about. Malcolm Colcord. Director of this hellhole. He's got a mad hard on to kill this guy named Logan."

Deadpool gasped. "Shhh! No more! You might give out spoiler for the next movie."

"The other guy is a real piece of work. Robert Windsor. He says he's a doctor but that guy is bad news. Real bad. Evil. Sinister even."

Deadpool immediately started poking Negasonic who had gone back to looking at her phone. "Ooo! Ooo! Did you hear that Negasonic? He said _Sinister_. You catch that? I bet there's a couple of fan boys reading this who just had a fangasm."

"Ew," Negasonic pulled away and made a face at Deadpool.

"The rest of the troops shouldn't be a problem for you except for this merc. Goes by the name Taskmaster."

"Ooooo. Scary," Deadpool snarked. "I'm trembling. Does he have a giant to-do list and a red pen?"

"He can mimic any fighting style just by watching it," the figure warned.

"And the best name he can come up with is Taskmaster? Lame," Deadpool quipped. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

The man turned his head and shook it sadly. "No. Just... one thing."

"Banana pancakes?"

Negasonic looked up from her phone at that. Seriously? "Where the fuck are we going to get Banana pancakes?"

Deadpool ignored her, just looking at the man on the wall. "Love you, buddy."

Negasonic's eyebrow arched at that. "Do I need to leave you two alone?"

The man shook his head. "Just make it quick."

Deadpool's sword lashed out and the man's head fell to the floor.

"What the fuck?!" Negasonic shouted. 

Deadpool grabbed her by the arm and started to drag her to the door. "Come on Negasonic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. It's going to get tougher from here on out."

"He was your fucking friend and you just killed him!" Negasonic yelled as she yanked her arm away from him.

"He was practically my best fucking friend!" Deadpool shouted back. "And those fuckers did to him what they did to me! They're the ones responsible for this shit! Not me!"

They glared at each other for a moment. Neither saying a word for a few seconds before Deadpool motioned to the door.

"Now. Can we get past me sparing my friend from pain and anguish and rescue all the other mutants out there who probably will end up in the next sequel?"

Negasonic rolled her eyes in response.

"I'll take that as a yes," Deadpool quipped with a shrug before heading to the door.


	11. Chapter 11

As soon as they left Cunningham's alcove all shit went sideways.

"Not literally though because that would be disgusting!" Deadpool called out as he dodged another plasma blast.

Negasonic had dived behind a desk which was quickly disappearing as it was being disintegrated with weapons fire, some weird sort of flying gold balls and... well it looked like mint jelly but it was caustic as hell. "What the hell are you talking about?!" she shouted.

"The narrative was taking liberties I don't really care for!" Deadpool shouted back as he emptied a clip from his automatic. "Now if you don't mind I think we have bigger problems!"

"You mean the army of mutant soldiers who are trying to kill us?! Even when Negasonic shouted her sarcasm was very apparent.

"Those would the ones!" he said diving next to Negasonic. "You notice the metal collars?"

"No! Because I'm being fucking shot at!"

"Point. Good point," Deadpool said with a nod. "That's probably how they're controlling them."

"So probably waving your underwear around won't make them stop," she snarked back just as another bullet flew by her head.

"Well that and I'm not wearing underwear today."

Even during the middle of a shootout, Negasonic took the opportunity to give Deadpool a look of disgust.

"Look, you can be grossed out or you can go make your poopface and blast all those pitiful shitcans down with your powers so we can get out of this mess."

"My what?"

"Poopface!" Deadpool called out cheerfully. "You haven't noticed? Whenever you're about to go atomic you scrunch down like you just ate a bunch of sofritas at Chipotle an hour before."

"I do not make a poopface!"

"Can we debate this _after_ you blow them up please?" Deadpool pleaded. "I mean I can heal but I'd like to minimize the holes in my suit."

Negasonic scowled at him before crouching down low on the grounds. Flames began to erupt from her body as her clothes burned away and... yeah. She made a poopface. As her power kicked in she started to race down the hallway knocking down all the mutant soldiers like they were pins at the end of a bowling lane.

Negasonic powered down, the flames flickered out leaving only her and her unitard. She turned to see Deadpool playing with _her_ phone. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Posting video to Instagram!" he replied cheerfully. "I caught you just as you were powering up. Now the internet can decide if it's a poopface!"

Negasonic said nothing. She just glared at Deadpool that would probably cause anyone to take a step back. Words did not have to be said. Deadpool was being a complete asshole.

"Oooo. Someone's feeling testy," Deadpool said tossing the phone back to her. "Don't worry. I hear the people on the internet are kind, gentle and never say anything inflammatory."

Negasonic again said nothing but glared at Wade as she caught the phone and turned to head back down the hallway.

"That's it. Embrace the dark side," Deadpool said in his best James Earl Jones imitation.

She let out a huff and kept walking. "What now?"

"Well I figure if we're going to be attacked by a bunch of mind-controlled mutant soldiers, we might want to pick up an army of our own."

Negasonic didn't need to be a psychic to understand his meaning. "Holding cells?"

"Holding cells," he agreed as he rubbed his hands together. "Come on, tiger. Time to make the fucking chimichangas."


	12. Chapter 12

Their mad dash through the Weapon X corridors were punctuated with frequent gunshots, explosions and the use of stabbing swords as unsuspecting security crews got in Deadpool and Negasonic's way. Not that it was easy or fun.

And then a security crew showed up with kevlar, helmets and tear gas. Canisters flew everywhere and began to hiss as it released its non-toxic yet very irritating gas.

"Not having fun here!" Negasonic shouted before going into a coughing fit.

"Oh like this is a joyous thing for me?" Deadpool snarked back. "I could be in a nice coffee shop fic with Tom Holland right now! Or be going on a double date with Robert Downey Jr. and Marisa Tomei! But nooooooooo. I had to go on an _adventure_!"

Negasonic could really reply with all the coughing but she was at least able to give Deadpool a scathing look of 'What the fuck are you talking about?'

"You're lucky I can understand the narration," Deadpool quipped as he reached into his ammo bag and pulled out a small grenade. He tossed it down the hallway where it exploded accompanied by a myriad of screams. He then grabbed Negasonic and threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Flee child! We must flee!"

"You are fucking nuts!" Negasonic managed to squeak out between hacking coughs.

"You're the one who came along willingly!"

"I was promised ice cream!"

Before Deadpool could come up with a sly/witty/deranged retort, an explosion knocked them both to the ground. Through the smoke a figured appeared dressed in kevlar armor but instead of a helmet there was a white skull mask.

"Uh oh," Deadpool called out. "Cue the ominous music!"

"Stand down!" the man yelled pointing his gun at them.

"Are you supposed to be the Red Skull?" Deadpool asked as he put his hands up in the air. "Because you're missing some serious pigmentation. And you're also in the wrong franchise. I'm surprised Feige allows this. Unless you're Crossbones. Nope. Wait. Still the other franchise."

The man ignored Deadpool and tapped his communicator. "Director? This is Taskmaster. I've located the intruders."

"Ah, shit. Taskmaster? You're the guy Cunningham warned me about?" Deadpool exclaimed. "I was expecting a middle manager type with a giant To-Do list to check off."

Taskmaster smirked through his mask. "I know who you are, Wade Wilson. And you're not getting by me."

"What if I get you a giant promotional pen at my next comic-con appearance?"

"Stand down, Wilson," he ordered. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"Well that's what I want. Me in your sights. At least until the stunt double steps in."

Taskmaster said nothing. He instead just cocked his gun. Waiting for Deadpool to make his move.

"Or at least until Negasonic Teenage Warhead makes a poop-face."

In spite of himself, Taskmaster dropped his gun a half-inch at that statement. "What?"

The skull-masked Taskmaster didn't get a response to his question. Instead there was an explosion coming from the girl who had crawled behind him which blew the armored fellow halfway down the hall and straight into a wall.

"If he was Wile E. Coyote, that must make you Acme and me the Roadrunner," Deadpool noted as Taskmaster fell flat on his back leaving a Taskmaster shaped dent in the wall.

"You make no fucking sense," Negasonic groaned as she pulled herself up to her feet.

Deadpool sighed right before running down the next hallway. "Kids these days. No appreciation for the classics."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the potty humor and crotch jokes.

It didn't take long for another patrol to show up and before the dysfunctional duo could take action, bullets were fired as well as a canister of tear gas. Negasonic took a lung full of the gas and went into a coughing fit rendering her useless in a fight.

Without a second to lose Deadpool had shoved Negasonic in a broom closet and closed the door. "Stay here! And like my future feelings for Nate, stay in here forever!"

Negasonic would have happily blown the door up or shouted an insult but she was having too hard a problem breathing to do so.

When she finally stopped coughing and her vision cleared, she bashed the door open to find a pile of bodies outside. With a giant sigh and sullen stance, she followed a trail of bodies and blood until it ended in a hallway.

"Hey! Douchepool!"

"Over here Negasonic Teenage Titan!"

She rolled her eyes and followed his voice. "Pretty lame insult!" she said rounding the corner.

"Fuck you!" Deadpool called back cheerfully.

When she entered the office her first response was to gag. Why?

Well because Deadpool had a man restrained to his desk. And Deadpool was sitting on his face.

"About time you got here!" Deadpool cried out. "How does it feel to finally come out of the closet?"

"What the fuck are you doing?" Negasonic asked and immediately regretted asking.

"I'm teabagging the Director of the Weapon X program," Deadpool replied cheerfully. "And in case you're wondering it's exactly as much fun as it sounds."

"Mmmmmfff!" That was the director. He was not having any fun.

Meanwhile Negasonic was still gagging. "Gross."

"How about it Director?" Deadpool called out. "Ready to give me the release codes for setting free all my mutant friends?"

The director struggled under Deadpool's crotch and grunted something that sounded negative.

"No?" Deadpool replied. "Well then clearly I need up the torture. Hey! Negasonic! Pull my finger!"

"Ew. No."

"Too late!" Deadpool said and for some reason a look of relief crossed his face... which was still apparent even though he was wearing a mask. "Hashtag silent but deadly. Sorry Director! I had chimichangas for dinner last night."

Negasonic choked on the smell and gagged again. "God! That's awful."

"That's what he should be saying right now. Think of him. He's at ground zero. Going to help me out Director?"

More grunts and inarticulate screaming was the response.

"Oh well!" Deadpool said with a shrug and with a quick shift vaulted onto the floor and emptied his handgun in the Director's head. "So much for the good cop."

"Pretty sure that's murder," Negasonic commented as she followed Deadpool out the door. "Colossus wouldn't approve."

"He can eat a bag of dicks. Wait around and I can give him an actual bag of dicks," Deadpool replied breezily.

Negasonic groaned. No plan. Tons of mutants imprisoned and Deadpool was crazy.

Clearly this day was not going to end well.


	14. Chapter 14

"We're going around in circles!" Negasonic complained.

"No we're not! You're just saying that because we keep finding that security station with the jelly donuts," Deadpool quipped.

"That's how I know we're in a circle!"

"I'd like to think of it more as an ellipse."

Negasonic groaned. If he started going off with his bullshit side comments again-

"Hey look! A door!" Deadpool said pointing at one particular door that they had passed at least three times.

"You mean the giant door with the lock which you kept saying wasn't important?"

"Well maybe it is! Okay? Come on Teenage Negasonic Drive Thru. Let's see you work off that aggression in a healthy way."

Negasonic scowled and started to focus on triggering her mutant power. Flames began to erupt from her body as she started running to and (hopefully) through the door.

"Poop face!" Deadpool called out happily as he snapped a picture of Negasonic runing through the door with a large sounding Kaboom.

"That's totally a kodak moment!" Deadpool called out as he saved the picture on his phone and he stepped through the rubble into the room. "I'm pretty sure this is why Cyndi Lauper wrote 'True Colors'. Oh. Hey! We're in a lab!"

Negasonic stretched her neck as the flames died out around her. "Gee, Douchepool. What was your first clue?"

"Well there's the beakers. The bunsen burners. The table with restraints. Implements of torture. It's either a lab or a really fucked up gynecologist's office."

Negasonic was about to say something snarky when a tall man in a lab coat entered the room and scowled at the two of them.

"What are you doing here? This is a restricted area!"

"Okay, that was pretty good but if you're going to rock that goatee, you need to be a bit more malevolent and less authoritative," Deadpool said critically. "Think Mr. Burns instead of Patton."

The man tilted his head and a cruel smile crossed his face. "Wade Wilson."

Deadpool nudged Negasonic with his elbow. "Ooo. He knows my name. I think this is supposed to be spooky."

Negasonic wasn't one for being touched or nudged. she shoved away the elbow. Deadpool rolled his eyes which is a difficult thing to do when you are wearing a mask. 

"Okay, science geek. Is this the part where I ask you who you are and threaten you in general until you wimp out and give me the information I need to finish this thing?"

"On the contrary," The man said his body seeming to grow... taller. "I don't intend on giving you any information. As for who I am... you may call me... Father."

"Okay, Dad," Deadpool replied using air quotes. "Can I borrow the car and money for gas?"

The cruel smile didn't waver. "My name. Is Nathaniel Essex. But you can call me... Mr. Sinister."

"I KNEW IT!" Deadpool exclaimed happily and began poking at Negasonic. "See! Told you! It was all that fucking exposition Cunningham did earlier! Now let's kill this guy and get the fuck out of here."

Negasonic shoved him away again. "I don't think it's going to be that easy, Douchepool."

Indeed it wasn't. As tables, chairs and all sorts of equipment began to rise off the floor and swirl around the man who continued to grow bigger.

"I look forward to dissecting you, Mr. Wilson," Sinister said with a smirk. "And see just how your mutation keeps you alive."

 

"Look here, Nerd! Think you can defeat me? I faced greater horrors than you can imagine. And like the Dante's Inferno, the 2016 election and the comment section of the Green Lantern movie review page, I will emerge alive, slightly disheveled and with my balls intact!" Deadpool exclaimed and started to shoot his pistols at Sinister.

Tables and chairs flew. Equipment flew. Negasonic dived to the floor, narrowly avoiding knocking her head off.

For Deadpool he took each blow with a grunt as he slowly made his way to Sinister. With each gunshot, Sinister flinched but did not fall.

"It takes more than bullets or a Harlot's kiss to kill Nathaniel Essex!"

"Well that makes sense. You're supposed to show up in an X-men sequel," Deadpool said scratching his head. "And I'm all out of harlots. Still... We can't have you running around sooooooo..."

Deadpool pulled his swords out of his scabbards. "Maximum Effort!"

In a flash the blades met their target. Appendages flew as did Sinister's head.

Which unfortunately did not stop it from talking.

"This is only a delay in your inevitable defeat. Soon I will-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Deadpool snarked and promptly kicked the head of Sinister through the window. "Good luck regrowing that!"

Negasonic pulled herself off the floor. "What now?"

"Well, Eleven," Deadpool said skipping to the end of the hallway. "I do believe this is the entrance to where all your favorite mutants are all being held captive. Feel up to kabooming an exit for yourself and saving mutant kind?"

He opened the door and Negasonic studied the layout of the facility. "The wall here is bigger than the one we came through. If I blow through that, I'm going to black out."

"I got your back, Curly Sue," Deadpool said sheathing his swords. "Come on. Let's be who we're supposed to be. Grounded but not quite dark and gritty heroes. Anti-heroes? I get all those tropes mixed up."

Negasonic smirked and started running, triggering her power as she ran through the groups of mutants who suddenly realized what was happening. Just as she was about to blow up the main outer wall, she could hear Deadpool calling out something.

She couldn't tell what it was but she could bet money that it was "Poop face."

He'd pay for that.


	15. Chapter 15

When Negasonic woke up she was in the back of the Mr. Softee truck, crammed in with a bunch of freed mutants. Deadpool was in the driver seat cheerfully torturing everyone as he sang along to "Come on Eileen".

Negasonic shoved her way to the front. "What happened?

"You hit that wall and blew the motherfucking _shit_ out of it. That's what!" Deadpool exclaimed happily. "And we got the fuck out of there before Mister 'showing up in the x-men sequel set in the 90s' pulled himself together."

"The 90's?" Negasonic should have known better to ask that question.

"A magical decade of overblown plotlines and musculature," Deadpool said dreamingly. "I miss my giant belt pouches."

"You're insane," Negasonic declared and glared at the mutant with the scarf around his face until he moved out of the passenger seat so she could take it.

"Not going to argue that my little mutant powered Evey," Deadpool said attempting to reach out and stroke the top of Negasonic's head. "Anyone ever tell you that you resemble Natalie Portman with your head shaved?"

Negasonic smacked his hand away in response. "Fuck you."

"I love you too," Deadpool replied before catching something in the rear view mirror. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM! IT'S NOT ICE CREAM PEOPLE!"

Ew. Negasonic made a face the supressed her gag reflex before attempting to change the subject. "What now?"

"Well the final objective is to get your shiny head back to Xavier's before that chromed bolshevik comes after me," Deadpool replied. "Along with a whole bunch of recruits for Jean Luc Picard to recruit into Starfleet."

Negasonic gave him a weird look in response.

"Sorry. That's another crossover we'll worry about later. Before that can happen I have a promise I aim to keep."

"What's that?"

"Patience grasshopper."


	16. Chapter 16

Apparently promises meant going into 24 hour Piggly Wiggly and stealing all the Mrs. Butterworths, Bisquick, eggs, milk and bananas they had before breaking and entering into somebody's house.

When Mrs. Cunningham and her two kids came down the steps they stopped in shock to find their kitchen and dining area filled with mutants. Behind the stove Deadpool was flipping pancakes at everyone and demanding that everyone call him Betty Crocker before noticing that the Cunningham family was awake.

"Don't worry Mrs. Cunningham!" He exclaimed. "Just dropped by to make you and the kids some banana pancakes. That is if dump truck over there doesn't finish off all the maple syrup. HEY! GIGANTOR! IT'S SYRUP! NOT A BEVERAGE!"

The kids and Mrs. Cunningham continued to stand there in shock.

"Hey. I just realized there's a whole Happy Days theme we can do here. I'll be Fonzie. Hey! Baldy! Want to be Pinky Tuscadero?"

"Fuck you," Negasonic replied, not even bothering to look up from her phone.

"Fine. I'm calling you Joanie and I'm making dump truck over there Cha Chi," Deadpool replied. "Which makes that guy Ralph Malph and that guy Potsie And that guy Arnold and that guy-"

The naming of Happy Day's characters continued until Deadpool ran out of real characters and started making up names. Eventually Mrs. Cunningham called the police and everyone ran out of the house to avoid being arrested.

The kids did get their banana pancakes though.

Negasonic Instagrammed it all and hash-tagged it with "#He'snotallbadiguess"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all I got. Thanks for reading!


End file.
